The Bleeding has stopped, the mental bleed at least. Happiness is returning and in a way, I'm more stress free than I've ever been. Maybe that's just because I am comparing to a few months ago when everyday I felt like my mind was going to explode, but I feel good for once.
Today is crazy busy, but I feel good. I really have to stop double booking my days.
In other news, I might be going to Burning Man. Small chance, but a chance. Now I just need to get all my affairs in order to finalize this plan. This event is sort of overwhelming.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
A Post About Nothing
I was honestly just curious to see how much space I could fill of a page with all the random jabbering that goes on in my head.
First off, I'm listening to 3 hours of relaxing music. Why I am doing this, I'm not sure. I say this because I'm already like 75% asleep at work and relaxing music probably isn't the best thing for my condition.
Secondly, I'm realizing the folly of chugging a cup of coffee whilst walking. This was an attempt to wake me up a little and rejuvenate me for the rest of the day, but the only thing that it's accomplishing so far is to give me a dire need for a restroom, which, by the way, I cannot use currently without locking my boss out of her office.
Thirdly, I must have some weird pheromones being emitted from my body that attract unavailable girls, because I have had several strange situations concerning them lately. It's quite flattering, but it leads to some awkward shut downs, which are never fun.
Fourth, I can definitely tell the coffee is starting to kick in, energy wise. I am typing quite a bit faster and feel nice and toasty now. Still in dire need of the lavatories though.
Fifth, the web I've been spinning is starting to get tangled in itself, but just as soon as it looks like some threads might snap, I'm given an out and the web reinforces itself. It's funny how things work sometimes.
Sixth, just finished looking up coffee memes to send to my friends because I'm bored. Coffee is probably the only thing keeping me upright at this point.
Seventh, I'm supposed to have a meeting with my boss at 11am today (it's 10:59am) And she is no where to be seen. It's alright though, I don't mind the meeting getting cut short, but I'd really like to use the facilities right about meow.
Eighth, I should probably rewatch supertroopers.
Ninth, Just got the new lists. Time to do work.
First off, I'm listening to 3 hours of relaxing music. Why I am doing this, I'm not sure. I say this because I'm already like 75% asleep at work and relaxing music probably isn't the best thing for my condition.
Secondly, I'm realizing the folly of chugging a cup of coffee whilst walking. This was an attempt to wake me up a little and rejuvenate me for the rest of the day, but the only thing that it's accomplishing so far is to give me a dire need for a restroom, which, by the way, I cannot use currently without locking my boss out of her office.
Thirdly, I must have some weird pheromones being emitted from my body that attract unavailable girls, because I have had several strange situations concerning them lately. It's quite flattering, but it leads to some awkward shut downs, which are never fun.
Fourth, I can definitely tell the coffee is starting to kick in, energy wise. I am typing quite a bit faster and feel nice and toasty now. Still in dire need of the lavatories though.
Fifth, the web I've been spinning is starting to get tangled in itself, but just as soon as it looks like some threads might snap, I'm given an out and the web reinforces itself. It's funny how things work sometimes.
Sixth, just finished looking up coffee memes to send to my friends because I'm bored. Coffee is probably the only thing keeping me upright at this point.
Seventh, I'm supposed to have a meeting with my boss at 11am today (it's 10:59am) And she is no where to be seen. It's alright though, I don't mind the meeting getting cut short, but I'd really like to use the facilities right about meow.
Eighth, I should probably rewatch supertroopers.
Ninth, Just got the new lists. Time to do work.
Nightly Insanity
Things could not be crazier lately. I'm pretty sure I'm completely past my prior issues, I still talk to my ex, and we're cordial, but the feelings are definitely different.
The options are vast, but everyone of them has a catch.
Last night was a definite test. I had the option to do something very, very unethical. I chose not to, even though there will probably not be another chance for something like that ever again, but I'd rather wonder what could've been in this scenario than face some severe consequences down the road. This is one time that I've been proud of my drunken self. He normally makes some piss poor decisions when it comes to sex.
The options are vast, but everyone of them has a catch.
Last night was a definite test. I had the option to do something very, very unethical. I chose not to, even though there will probably not be another chance for something like that ever again, but I'd rather wonder what could've been in this scenario than face some severe consequences down the road. This is one time that I've been proud of my drunken self. He normally makes some piss poor decisions when it comes to sex.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Pickle in the Middle
Well, well, well.... What am I to do. Go with the safe option and not have the excitement element? Or go with the Exciting option and live life scared that things might blow up in my face?
I guess there is a Plan C....
Cut all ties and try to sort things out elsewhere....
I'm kind of tied to this city now. Oh what a mess I've created for myself.
I guess there is a Plan C....
Cut all ties and try to sort things out elsewhere....
I'm kind of tied to this city now. Oh what a mess I've created for myself.
Monday, June 30, 2014
I Reopened the Wound
Just when things were (probably) starting to heal over, I went and picked the scab. This is an eye opening experience though. The level of intensity is outrageous. It just goes to show the amount of passion I have on this topic. Possibly why I've been so crazy emotional when it comes to it.
Which leads me to wonder how I could possibly feel so blank in other situations. Maybe the feelings aren't there, but I kind of already suspected that. It just frustrates me that I'm in a PERFECTLY good situation currently and I'm merely content instead of full blown ecstatic, but when I was in a total garbage, ridiculous situation, I feel like I'm either on cloud 9 or sitting in the bowels of hell.
The mind is one hell of a bitch sometimes.
Which leads me to wonder how I could possibly feel so blank in other situations. Maybe the feelings aren't there, but I kind of already suspected that. It just frustrates me that I'm in a PERFECTLY good situation currently and I'm merely content instead of full blown ecstatic, but when I was in a total garbage, ridiculous situation, I feel like I'm either on cloud 9 or sitting in the bowels of hell.
The mind is one hell of a bitch sometimes.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
The Infection is Spreading
Here I go again, falling into familiar habits. I tried amputation, but it keeps coming back.
I feel infected. It's the best way to describe it. I know I shouldn't do the things I do, but it keeps drawing me back. Maybe addicted would be a better description.
I was so close to being done.
It won't work and yet I try anyways.
I feel infected. It's the best way to describe it. I know I shouldn't do the things I do, but it keeps drawing me back. Maybe addicted would be a better description.
I was so close to being done.
It won't work and yet I try anyways.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Spiral
I should be happy, but I'm not. Don't get me wrong, my life has vastly improved in recent times, but I can't stop thinking about her. I should have moved on... I THOUGHT I HAD. I keep bouncing back though, thinking about what we had. I just don't think I can be content with what I have, I'm always looking for something more.
The Seeker, right?
The Seeker, right?
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Parallels
My ex wrote a journal and gave it to me. It's eerie to see how many of the same things we were thinking, feeling, and wanting at the same time.
Reading it makes me feel sick. Like I tore out a part of me that I still need to live, but that I'm afraid if I put it back in, my body would reject it.
I have to walk away. I have to go work out. My mind is slipping. I can feel myself slipping. I don't know how long I can continue to live this way. I have to make a change.
Reading it makes me feel sick. Like I tore out a part of me that I still need to live, but that I'm afraid if I put it back in, my body would reject it.
I have to walk away. I have to go work out. My mind is slipping. I can feel myself slipping. I don't know how long I can continue to live this way. I have to make a change.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Things have taken a turn for the better
So after quite a long time of completely unfortunate turns in my life, I have finally made a breakthrough back into the light.
Let me give some background. Firstly, I had a job all lined up that I was pretty sure was a done deal, but turned out to not be as squared away as I thought it was. I failed to get the job despite what was a phenomenal interview and the best references I could find. I kind of just fell into a pit of despair when it came to job hunting.
However, the interviewer was so impressed with me that she created another position just so that I could be part of the team. I am beyond ecstatic.
I had a call for my temporary job tonight, but unfortunately I was too slow on my response and got passed over.
Day #5 on not drinking. Not that impressive, but you have to start somewhere.
I really want a cigar on a whim.
Time to hop on the exercise bike.
Tonight was a good night.
Let me give some background. Firstly, I had a job all lined up that I was pretty sure was a done deal, but turned out to not be as squared away as I thought it was. I failed to get the job despite what was a phenomenal interview and the best references I could find. I kind of just fell into a pit of despair when it came to job hunting.
However, the interviewer was so impressed with me that she created another position just so that I could be part of the team. I am beyond ecstatic.
I had a call for my temporary job tonight, but unfortunately I was too slow on my response and got passed over.
Day #5 on not drinking. Not that impressive, but you have to start somewhere.
I really want a cigar on a whim.
Time to hop on the exercise bike.
Tonight was a good night.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Hello Wildcat
Dear Wildcat,
I know you're with me everyday and occasionally visit when I give you permission to speak, but I've missed you. I feel like you are ushering in a new era of my life that I was afraid to commit to before, but I see now that it's the right thing to do. I don't know if I can completely let go yet, but you've given me the strength to not torture myself by constantly looking back. It's time to move some chains. Thank you for roaring.
- Your Friend
I know you're with me everyday and occasionally visit when I give you permission to speak, but I've missed you. I feel like you are ushering in a new era of my life that I was afraid to commit to before, but I see now that it's the right thing to do. I don't know if I can completely let go yet, but you've given me the strength to not torture myself by constantly looking back. It's time to move some chains. Thank you for roaring.
- Your Friend
Friday, April 25, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
That Awkward Moment When You're Laughing and It Turns into Crying
Was remembering stories about my brother. Thought of one where I could perfectly picture what he did and I started laughing at the image. Halfway through my laugh it hit me how much I still hurt from missing him and I started crying. I've gone through some ridiculous things in my life and this ranks up there. Never have I felt so happy and sad at the same time.
Current Mood: Numb
Currently Listening to: Ratatat
Current Mood: Numb
Currently Listening to: Ratatat
My Dreams Betray Me
I've been having a lot of dreams lately. A LOT.
Normally that isn't a problem in and of itself, but lately my dreams have all been of my ex, who I'm desperately trying to get over. I've "moved on" with my life, not contacting her and focusing on other things, but my dreams keep going back to her. To top it all off, all the dreams are in romantic settings.
First my brain wants to get away from her, then it desperately wants her back. What a scumbag my brain is.
I guess the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. I just wish I could get my head past this whole issue as it's affecting other aspects of my life.
In other news, something hasn't felt right for days now. Like a slow building feeling of impending doom. It's constantly nagging at the back of my mind and I can't shake the feeling. Ugh.
On a bright note, I made a great sandwich. Yea....
Current Mood: Loopy
Currently Listening to: 88:88 by Danger
Normally that isn't a problem in and of itself, but lately my dreams have all been of my ex, who I'm desperately trying to get over. I've "moved on" with my life, not contacting her and focusing on other things, but my dreams keep going back to her. To top it all off, all the dreams are in romantic settings.
First my brain wants to get away from her, then it desperately wants her back. What a scumbag my brain is.
I guess the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. I just wish I could get my head past this whole issue as it's affecting other aspects of my life.
In other news, something hasn't felt right for days now. Like a slow building feeling of impending doom. It's constantly nagging at the back of my mind and I can't shake the feeling. Ugh.
On a bright note, I made a great sandwich. Yea....
Current Mood: Loopy
Currently Listening to: 88:88 by Danger
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Week 3
It's been several weeks since I cut this person out of my life. Every single day I think about her and it tears me in so many directions.
I miss how easy everything was back then. Everything was lined up already. The level of comfort was unreal. But things couldn't have lasted like that.
Everyone else in my life didn't see what I saw in her. I tried to shape her into someone that could coexist with the other people I cared so deeply for, but it's not fair to try to force someone to change. It was either choose her and isolate myself from friends and family or cut her out. Maybe I chose the weak way out or maybe I just went total self preservation mode. Either way, I don't remember a break up ever hurting this badly.
A part of me thinks that things are so much better now. I have more free time, I'm working out regularly, spending more time with friends, my family is happier, life in general is improving. And another part of me screams to go back. To spend nights watching movies and lounging with her, to spend days feeling like the most helpful person in the world when I did something as simple as fix a toilet.
Then I remember how much I hated the people she associated with, how she never seemed to turn down an advance from a friend because they're her friends and probably just being friendly. I remember the rage I felt when I learned she lied to me. The rage I STILL feel thinking of that day, when I poured my guts out to her and the next day she slept with another. And yet it feels like I tore her very being out when I ended it. I know I was the one ending it and I almost couldn't stand being in my own skin.
I want to contact her, but I see how that would destroy so many things I have right now. I try to forget, like I do with everything that hurts this deeply, and yet my mind drifts back to her. My mind feels like it's grinding itself into a fine dust inside of my head.
Fuck it hurts.
I miss how easy everything was back then. Everything was lined up already. The level of comfort was unreal. But things couldn't have lasted like that.
Everyone else in my life didn't see what I saw in her. I tried to shape her into someone that could coexist with the other people I cared so deeply for, but it's not fair to try to force someone to change. It was either choose her and isolate myself from friends and family or cut her out. Maybe I chose the weak way out or maybe I just went total self preservation mode. Either way, I don't remember a break up ever hurting this badly.
A part of me thinks that things are so much better now. I have more free time, I'm working out regularly, spending more time with friends, my family is happier, life in general is improving. And another part of me screams to go back. To spend nights watching movies and lounging with her, to spend days feeling like the most helpful person in the world when I did something as simple as fix a toilet.
Then I remember how much I hated the people she associated with, how she never seemed to turn down an advance from a friend because they're her friends and probably just being friendly. I remember the rage I felt when I learned she lied to me. The rage I STILL feel thinking of that day, when I poured my guts out to her and the next day she slept with another. And yet it feels like I tore her very being out when I ended it. I know I was the one ending it and I almost couldn't stand being in my own skin.
I want to contact her, but I see how that would destroy so many things I have right now. I try to forget, like I do with everything that hurts this deeply, and yet my mind drifts back to her. My mind feels like it's grinding itself into a fine dust inside of my head.
Fuck it hurts.
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