Hello Wildcat

Dear Wildcat,
       I know you're with me everyday and occasionally visit when I give you permission to speak, but I've missed you. I feel like you are ushering in a new era of my life that I was afraid to commit to before, but I see now that it's the right thing to do. I don't know if I can completely let go yet, but you've given me the strength to not torture myself by constantly looking back. It's time to move some chains. Thank you for roaring.

- Your Friend

Numbness

Hit a stage of numbness. Oh well.

That Awkward Moment When You're Laughing and It Turns into Crying

     Was remembering stories about my brother. Thought of one where I could perfectly picture what he did and I started laughing at the image. Halfway through my laugh it hit me how much I still hurt from missing him and I started crying. I've gone through some ridiculous things in my life and this ranks up there. Never have I felt so happy and sad at the same time.



Current Mood: Numb

Currently Listening to: Ratatat

My Dreams Betray Me

      I've been having a lot of dreams lately. A LOT.

      Normally that isn't a problem in and of itself, but lately my dreams have all been of my ex, who I'm desperately trying to get over. I've "moved on" with my life, not contacting her and focusing on other things, but my dreams keep going back to her. To top it all off, all the dreams are in romantic settings.

     First my brain wants to get away from her, then it desperately wants her back. What a scumbag my brain is.

     I guess the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. I just wish I could get my head past this whole issue as it's affecting other aspects of my life.

     In other news, something hasn't felt right for days now. Like a slow building feeling of impending doom. It's constantly nagging at the back of my mind and I can't shake the feeling. Ugh.

     On a bright note, I made a great sandwich. Yea....




Current Mood: Loopy

Currently Listening to: 88:88 by Danger

Week 3

It's been several weeks since I cut this person out of my life. Every single day I think about her and it tears me in so many directions.


I miss how easy everything was back then. Everything was lined up already. The level of comfort was unreal. But things couldn't have lasted like that.


Everyone else in my life didn't see what I saw in her. I tried to shape her into someone that could coexist with the other people I cared so deeply for, but it's not fair to try to force someone to change. It was either choose her and isolate myself from friends and family or cut her out. Maybe I chose the weak way out or maybe I just went total self preservation mode. Either way, I don't remember a break up ever hurting this badly.


A part of me thinks that things are so much better now. I have more free time, I'm working out regularly, spending more time with friends, my family is happier, life in general is improving. And another part of me screams to go back. To spend nights watching movies and lounging with her, to spend days feeling like the most helpful person in the world when I did something as simple as fix a toilet.


Then I remember how much I hated the people she associated with, how she never seemed to turn down an advance from a friend because they're her friends and probably just being friendly. I remember the rage I felt when I learned she lied to me. The rage I STILL feel thinking of that day, when I poured my guts out to her and the next day she slept with another. And yet it feels like I tore her very being out when I ended it. I know I was the one ending it and I almost couldn't stand being in my own skin.


I want to contact her, but I see how that would destroy so many things I have right now. I try to forget, like I do with everything that hurts this deeply, and yet my mind drifts back to her. My mind feels like it's grinding itself into a fine dust inside of my head.


Fuck it hurts.