Week 3

It's been several weeks since I cut this person out of my life. Every single day I think about her and it tears me in so many directions.


I miss how easy everything was back then. Everything was lined up already. The level of comfort was unreal. But things couldn't have lasted like that.


Everyone else in my life didn't see what I saw in her. I tried to shape her into someone that could coexist with the other people I cared so deeply for, but it's not fair to try to force someone to change. It was either choose her and isolate myself from friends and family or cut her out. Maybe I chose the weak way out or maybe I just went total self preservation mode. Either way, I don't remember a break up ever hurting this badly.


A part of me thinks that things are so much better now. I have more free time, I'm working out regularly, spending more time with friends, my family is happier, life in general is improving. And another part of me screams to go back. To spend nights watching movies and lounging with her, to spend days feeling like the most helpful person in the world when I did something as simple as fix a toilet.


Then I remember how much I hated the people she associated with, how she never seemed to turn down an advance from a friend because they're her friends and probably just being friendly. I remember the rage I felt when I learned she lied to me. The rage I STILL feel thinking of that day, when I poured my guts out to her and the next day she slept with another. And yet it feels like I tore her very being out when I ended it. I know I was the one ending it and I almost couldn't stand being in my own skin.


I want to contact her, but I see how that would destroy so many things I have right now. I try to forget, like I do with everything that hurts this deeply, and yet my mind drifts back to her. My mind feels like it's grinding itself into a fine dust inside of my head.


Fuck it hurts.