Riptide

I've been riding a high for quite a while now. That is.... until I found a ton of old emails and pictures. I had been in a nostalgic mood because of all the recent funerals and this pushed me over the edge. Luckily, I haven't done anything regrettable, but the desire is there. I miss the way things were. Not the terrible parts (which were the majority of the past), but the times where things were actually in harmony.

I miss the ones I used to have bonds with that I don't see or talk to anymore. I miss the thrill of the taboos I was close to committing. I miss it all.

On the other hand, I have my logical side that screams that it was all a sham. That I escaped the pain and how could I even think about going back to that. It's always been this way. When I was in it, As I was getting out, and now that I'm far away from it.

And yet it pulls me back. Back out into the sea of misery.

The brain plays some sick tricks sometimes.

Scatterbrain

I really wish I posted when I was ecstatic, but I don't need to get things out of my head during those times. It's only when I've hit a low that I feel the need to purge these thoughts onto paper, or in this case, onto a webpage.

I'm suffering. Not because I'm unhappy with the way things are now, but because I imagine the way things could have been and it drives me absolutely crazy that I wasn't able to succeed in creating that. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT IT, BUT IT BOTHERS ME ANYWAYS.

Ugh, my mind makes no sense. I remember all the shitty times in vivid detail and for some reason, I still want it. I remember the HELL I was dragged through and I still find my mind wandering back to it. It's like my mind craves the thrills, aggravation, and arousal that it caused. It may have been bad, but it was interesting.

But if I revealed this, it would be interpreted the wrong way by everyone. Not that I give a shit about what people think, but the consequences and actions would effect me.

She would take it the wrong way and I'd hurt the one I currently love.

I know how things are going to end up and it scares me to death because I can see the end and not the path. How does point A meet up with Point B?

I have a feeling that there is a lot of pain in my future.

Brainwaves

I do not understand why my subconscious mind drifts back to her. Every night, I am visited by dreams that I can't get out. I want to rip them away from my brain, but they cling tightly and tear at my sanity.

I get in these moods. Terrible, awful moods.

I lash out at the smallest things, but not in a physical or verbal way. My thoughts turn so dark, I wish the worst on people. People aren't supposed to be this hateful. My mind feels sick, like it's dripping with poison and venom. I just want to be free of this negativity.

And yet you remain. The darkest part of me that I can't let go of. 




If the de ja vu is true. Then the story really isn't over. I'm scared of it... and yet it draws me in. 

The Lingering

I don't understand how this all works. Our formal relationship died years ago. We held onto each other because we were afraid of what lied beyond, the life without each other. You were so sure that we were meant to be together and I was so sure that we weren't. You asked if I truly thought our story was over, and even though I didn't, I said "Yes".

I've "moved on" now. I'm with someone new. Someone that makes me truly happy. Someone that loves me as much as you once did.

And yet, you continue to haunt my dreams, but dreams they remain. No longer am I plagued with nightmares of a life without you, instead you live on through these nightly visions. I dream of a life where we were happy, where things didn't end like they ended in real life. Even though I snuggle up with my new love every night, even though she treats me like I deserve to be treated, even though I couldn't be happier with the way things are....

I miss you.

These feelings disgust me. Why can't I be happy with the way things are? Why are you like a parasite in my mind? I keep telling myself I've moved on, but I'm still on the hook, struggling for open waters.

I always thought I was the one stringing you along, but somehow you did far more damage than you would have ever dreamed of. You thought I was being cold when I didn't express the pain and grief I was going through with our separation, you thought wrong. I apologize that I was never able to express myself properly, never able to give you the reactions that you desired.

I guess you were right all along. We're both broken.

I hope you're doing well. I know we don't talk anymore, but I think about you daily. I think about your family, I think about your dog, I think about all the fun, intimate, heartbreaking moments we spent together. All of them.

I get random waves of feelings that I used to feel on a regular basis around you. You made me so passionate. My emotions were out of control when I was around you. I felt the pinnacle of happiness, the great depths of sadness, and the blinding heat of rage when you were near. I've never felt more alive, but it wasn't sustainable. I couldn't go on feeling those extremes without it tearing my mind apart and that's exactly what it did.

Even so.... I miss you.