The Lingering

I don't understand how this all works. Our formal relationship died years ago. We held onto each other because we were afraid of what lied beyond, the life without each other. You were so sure that we were meant to be together and I was so sure that we weren't. You asked if I truly thought our story was over, and even though I didn't, I said "Yes".

I've "moved on" now. I'm with someone new. Someone that makes me truly happy. Someone that loves me as much as you once did.

And yet, you continue to haunt my dreams, but dreams they remain. No longer am I plagued with nightmares of a life without you, instead you live on through these nightly visions. I dream of a life where we were happy, where things didn't end like they ended in real life. Even though I snuggle up with my new love every night, even though she treats me like I deserve to be treated, even though I couldn't be happier with the way things are....

I miss you.

These feelings disgust me. Why can't I be happy with the way things are? Why are you like a parasite in my mind? I keep telling myself I've moved on, but I'm still on the hook, struggling for open waters.

I always thought I was the one stringing you along, but somehow you did far more damage than you would have ever dreamed of. You thought I was being cold when I didn't express the pain and grief I was going through with our separation, you thought wrong. I apologize that I was never able to express myself properly, never able to give you the reactions that you desired.

I guess you were right all along. We're both broken.

I hope you're doing well. I know we don't talk anymore, but I think about you daily. I think about your family, I think about your dog, I think about all the fun, intimate, heartbreaking moments we spent together. All of them.

I get random waves of feelings that I used to feel on a regular basis around you. You made me so passionate. My emotions were out of control when I was around you. I felt the pinnacle of happiness, the great depths of sadness, and the blinding heat of rage when you were near. I've never felt more alive, but it wasn't sustainable. I couldn't go on feeling those extremes without it tearing my mind apart and that's exactly what it did.

Even so.... I miss you.